


Alive

by ToTillAGarden



Series: Umbrella Angst [2]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Gen, also the umbra staff but. this is fake umbra staff, its just lup again, its really just lup
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-21
Updated: 2018-01-21
Packaged: 2019-03-07 15:02:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13437309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToTillAGarden/pseuds/ToTillAGarden
Summary: Lup's gotten used to the voice inside her head.It's spent a decade with her in the Umbra Staff, but now it's haunting her, and the voice is starting to sound a lot more like her own.





	Alive

**Author's Note:**

  * For [stargirls](https://archiveofourown.org/users/stargirls/gifts).



> Breaking News: Socially Incompetent Writer Forgets Birthday Presents Exist, Spends All Night Writing Fic To Compensate
> 
> But!!! Tess!!! Happy birthday!!! Hopefully the content makes up for me being, as of now, 4 hours and 18 minutes late with your present!!!  
> It uh. Isn't much. But an Awake sequel is really long overdue, and I needed to get _something_ out before I got back to college! So here we are!
> 
> Thanks, as always, to the TFW discord for being such a wonderful community but especially to you, Tess, because I don't think I would have been even remotely proud of Awake if it weren't for you and Rise, which is an amazing fic and everyone who hasn't read it yet should!!!! If you like this, you'll love Rise even more.
> 
> As always, feedback's super appreciated! I know I've been getting worse at commenting lately, so this is a reminder for myself as much as I hope it is for all of you~  
> Hope you enjoy the read!

~~ _you’re comfortable_ ~~

 

_I’m on Taako’s couch, of course I’m fucking comfortable._

 

~~ _you shouldn’t be_ ~~

 

_On Taako’s couch?_

 

~~ _no._ ~~

 

_Then what shouldn’t I be?_

 

~~ _comfortable_ ~~

 

_Why?_

 

_…_

 

_No answer, huh?_

 

_Thought so._

 

_…_

 

_Hey, Umbra Staff? Tell me this._

 

 _If I shouldn’t be comfortable, what_ should _I be?_

 

~~ _alive_ ~~

 

* * *

 

~~ _taako’s casting a spell_ ~~

 

~~ _help him_ ~~

 

_He doesn’t need it—_

 

~~ _give him your power_ ~~

 

~~ _cast for him_ ~~

 

_I need to focus—_

 

~~ _focus on taako_ ~~

 

~~ _you are his focus_ ~~

 

~~ _create for him_ ~~

 

 _I’m not— God, I can’t think and move at the same time, please just_ shut up _._

 

~~ _then stop moving_ ~~

 

~~ _give him your power_ ~~

 

~~ _give yourself away_ ~~

 

~~ _serve him_ ~~

 

_No, what the fuck, I—_

_I literally have a physical body. That’s not how it works anymore._

 

~~ _it is_ ~~

 

~~ _you can_ ~~

 

~~ _just… stop_ ~~

 

~~ _lose yourself and help him_ ~~

 

_I can’t—_

 

_[i can’t fight like this]_

 

_[it hurts]_

 

* * *

 

 

~~ _taako doesn’t know you anymore_ ~~

 

_He’s having a bad day. Leave him alone._

 

~~ _he doesn’t know what’s real anymore_ ~~

 

~~ _doesn’t think you’re real anymore_ ~~

 

_He knows I’m real. He sees me here._

 

_He’s just working through his memories, and that’s fine._

 

~~ _you’re just his focus to him_ ~~

 

~~ _just power_ ~~

 

_I’m his sister—_

 

_Fuck this. It’s hard enough without you._

 

~~ _you’re angry_ ~~

 

~~ _use it_ ~~

 

_No._

 

_I’m staying sane. For Barry, at least. For Taako._

 

~~ _lose it_ ~~

 

~~ _do it for taako_ ~~

 

_I know what Taako needs, and it isn’t this, okay?_

 

_So shut up and let me talk to him._

 

_…_

 

_Finally._

 

* * *

 

 

~~ _it’s loud_ ~~

 

_It’s just a party. I can do this._

 

~~ _it’s loud_ ~~

 

~~ _and crowded_ ~~

 

~~ _you need space_ ~~

 

_I care about the people here._

 

_They’re here for me._

 

~~ _leave_ ~~

 

~~ _run away_ ~~

 

_No._

 

_e ~~xplode~~_

 

~~ _show your power_ ~~

 

_That’s somehow an even worse idea._

 

~~ _come back to me_ ~~

 

~~ _no one will see you_ ~~

 

~~ _no one will know you_ ~~

 

_Barry knew me._

 

_[only when he died]_

 

_Lucretia knew me._

 

_[she pretended she didn’t]_

 

_Every planar system knows me._

 

~~ _[do they?]_ ~~

 

~~ _[do they know you need a break?]_ ~~

 

_They know—_

 

~~ _they know you’re exploding_ ~~

 

~~ _breaking apart from the inside out_ ~~

 

_They—_

 

_I—_

 

_[i can’t go on anymore]_

 

* * *

 

 

~~ _where are you?_ ~~

 

_Give me a second to open my eyes and I’ll tell you._

 

~~ _it’s dark in here_ ~~

 

_I’m at a hotel. There are curtains in the room._

 

~~ _taako would have opened them for you_ ~~

 

~~ _barry would have opened them for you_ ~~

 

_They’re sleeping. If they woke up before I did, they would have._

 

~~ _you’re alone in here_ ~~

 

_They’re right next to me—_

 

~~ _but are they awake?_ ~~

 

_No. But that doesn’t mean they left—_

 

~~ _they’re not with you_ ~~

 

~~ _you’re alone_ ~~

 

_They’re literally in this room—_

 

~~ _it’s like old times_ ~~

 

~~ _like home_ ~~

 

_It’s not home._

 

_If anything it’s the opposite, it’s bad and—_

 

~~ _it makes you want to cry_ ~~

 

_[i hate this]_

 

_[why do i feel so alone]_

 

* * *

 

 

_Taako made another Umbra Staff._

 

_He really did it._

 

_It must have meant a lot to him, then—_

 

~~ _come back_ ~~

 

~~ _become power_ ~~

 

_Oh, there you are._

 

_How about no?_

 

~~ _you want it_ ~~

 

_I really don’t want it._

 

_Besides, even if I wanted to, I can’t. Taako made this one lich-proof._

 

~~ _you can come back_ ~~

 

~~ _you know who you are_ ~~

 

_Hey, news flash:_

 

_I’m not pure power anymore._

 

~~ _you need to be_ ~~

 

_I won’t be._

 

* * *

 

 

_What am I?_

 

~~ _you’re the umbra staff_ ~~

 

_No…_

 

_Who am I?_

 

~~ **_you’re the umbra staff_ ** ~~

 

_No—_

 

_I’m—_

 

_I’m._

 

_I’m Lup. I’m Lup and I have a brother named Taako and a husband named Barry, I’m Lup and I helped save the world and am a reaper and have an adopted nephew named Angus, I’m Lup and it’s dark and I can’t feel and I can’t hear and I don’t have a body and I’m back, how am I back—_

 

~~ _good, lose yourself, give me your power_ ~~

 

_But this doesn’t make sense, how did this happen why am I here—_

 

~~ _[it isn’t real]_ ~~

 

_What isn’t real?_

 

~~ _you aren’t real_ ~~

 

_[this isn’t real]_

 

_I—_

 

_I’m not real._

 

_This isn’t real._

 

~~ _you are me_ ~~

 

~~ _we are power_ ~~

 

_I’m Lup, and I’m at home in my bed sleeping or something, and this isn’t real and you know it—_

 

~~ _you’re angry_ ~~

 

_Yeah, I’m fucking angry. I’m here. Again._

 

~~ _you’re scared_ ~~

 

_You wish._

 

~~_you’re_ afraid ~~

 

~~ _you want to get out_ ~~

 

~~ _you’re scared this is real_ ~~

 

_You’re lying._

 

_[it’s not lying]_

 

_You’re lying—_

 

~~ _[i’m not lying]_ ~~

 

_[someone help]_

 

_[get me out of here]_

 

* * *

 

 

_I’m awake._

 

~~ _you’re awake_ ~~

 

~~ _you have power_ ~~

 

 _I’m awake, alive, in Barry’s arms, and am_ real _, and you can go fuck yourself._

 

~~ _it’s soft_ ~~

 

_Wait, what?_

 

~~ _it’s soft_ ~~

 

_Where’s your comeback?_

 

~~ _lup_ ~~

 

_You’ve never called me that before._

 

~~ _it’s soft_ ~~

 

_What’s soft?_

 

~~ _the blanket_ ~~

 

_Yeah._

 

_Taako got it for me._

 

~~ _he’s warm_ ~~

 

_Barry?_

 

~~ _barry._ ~~

 

~~ _he’s warm_ ~~

 

_Barry’s always warm._

 

~~ _he’s talking_ ~~

 

_He’s telling me how much he loves me. And that he’s here for me. That he’s real._

 

~~ _it’s soft_ ~~

 

~~ _it’s good_ ~~

 

_Him talking?_

 

~~ _everything_ ~~

 

~~ _this_ ~~

 

~~ _it gives you power_ ~~

 

_Yeah._

 

_It does._

 

_…_

 

_Does this mean you’ll stop bothering me now?_

 

~~ _no_ ~~

 

~~ _i am you_ ~~

 

_Ok._

 

_I guess I can live with that._

 

_…_

 

~~ _you’re happy_ ~~

 

 _I_ am _happy._

 

~~ _is that power?_ ~~

 

_If I say yes, is that what you’ll start asking for?_

 

~~ _yes_ ~~

 

_Okay._

 

_Power it is._

 

~~ _good_ ~~

 

_Yeah._

 

_It’s nice to be alive._

**Author's Note:**

> Hello yes I may pretend to be an angst lich but I'm actually sappy as hell, what else is new, and Lup healing and reconciling with herself was too good for me to resist, okay?
> 
> A few things:
> 
> 1\. Please tell me you saw my reference to Rise there, I'm very proud of it,
> 
> 2\. My Lup may or may not have become sassier thanks to Rise. I'm going to stand by that being a good thing.
> 
> 3\. This fic broke me out of the jet-lag-induced depressive state I've been in for the past couple days and honestly? I couldn't be happier. I have an 8 AM on Monday but damn did I miss being up at 4 in the morning.
> 
> 4\. The Horizon Zero Dawn soundtrack is a lifesaver and a miracle from God if you like strings as much as I do, and also that game has consumed my entire life, body, and soul and reminds me of cyberpunk au even though the two have pretty little to do with each other! Why? I don't know, but heck if those ~10 hours I got over the past four days were worth it.
> 
>  
> 
> If you're NOT Tess and don't know what to comment, more ideas to where this little voice in her head could pop up next would be amazing! If you ARE Tess and don't know what to comment, just yelling at me is fine <3  
> (of course, this is a joke, you all can yell at me regardless of who you are! don't fear the yelling. let it embrace you. be lup for a change.)
> 
> I'll be back with Feeblemind as soon as I fuckin. Work through this next chapter! So I'll see you then~


End file.
